An American’s Guide to Making Hamburgers & Fries in Ukraine November 21, 2008

Step1: You must first go and locate your supplies. This will always involve walking at least 3 miles to a local grocery store.

Step 2: Once at the store you will need to take evasive action in order to shop for your supplies. Find an aisle that is totally full of people, push your buggy in along with everyone else. Be prepared to reach in front of or across another person, that is where the best items are located. You must push others, roll over their toes and say things under you breath while doing so.

Step 3: Locate the ground beef. This may be more difficult that you think. There are several butcher type areas and once animal flesh is ground up it all looks the same. In order to assure that you receive beef you must be prepared to go to a counter, get the attention of a butcher and then moo at him. He will locate the proper meat for you.

Step 4: Next you must instruct the butcher as to how much beef you would like to purchase. It is best to just show him how many handfuls you would like. Americans asking for “kilos” of anything is a sure fire way to be arrested on drug charges. Four handfuls will be quite sufficient.

Step 5: You must search out buns. Be prepared to look over the entire store for this prize. They can be found in the pasta section, the potato chip section and on rare occasions in the bakery section. Once in the bakery section there will be 6 gazillion other types of bread all OUT of packages, just waiting for people to sniff, sneeze and touch them. Don’t worry about that happening to your buns, no one in Ukraine eats them anyway. Obtain 6 buns, wait for the lady to yell at you because you did something wrong, just nod and say “Spaciba” and go on like she didn’t even exist.

Step 6: It is now time to locate your dressings.

· Onions will be easy to find. They are located in 500 pound bags. Should you wish to purchase one or two find a produce bag, scrap the dirt from the onion to ensure that it is in fact an onion and having the produce lady yell at you because you did something wrong there.

· Tomatoes are also easy to find. Unlike the onions they are already packaged and ready for you to pick up. Please do not smell the tomatoes to make sure the are fresh. They are not, they never will be and if they were you would not be in Ukraine.

· Next locate the pickles. This is somewhat more tricky. They are located on the aisle where everyone else in the store is shopping. You must weave your way into the aisle, push past 483 other people, locate the jars of pickles and choose on that looks like dill pickles. Do not expect to find them sliced, for that matter do not expect to get but one chance to grab a jar because if you stop traffic to study over the selection you and your buggy will be promptly moved along by the next shopper.

· Lettuce is the last of you dressings and it is camouflaged very well. The easiest way to find the lettuce is to look for the highest price in the produce section. It has cleverly camouflaged itself with brown leaves. Also it is about the size of an apple. Should you not have the extra 5000 dollars to spend on lettuce you may omit this from step 6.

Step 7: Locating the proper condiments. Please be advised that Ukraine has a condiment for every occasion and they dip anything and everything into a sauce of some type. There is not a condiment section in the store. They are spread out in every section, even the frozen foods. Please allot 7 hours for looking for your three basic hamburger condiments. You want to divide and conquer in this step.

· Allow your child to search for ketchup. It is red and spelled the same way and all kids have a special 6th sense to ketchup.

· Next, allow your husband to search for mayonnaise. Most men can locate white gunk in a jar. Now be prepared for him to ask you 50 or 60 times what it is he is looking for. Also it is quite common for him to return with cheese, potato chips, cookies, soda, and chewing gum before the mayo is located.

· Now, only a woman with a keen hunting abilities can located mustard. All but 2 of the 9000 condiment bottles and bags are yellow, so color will not help you. Ukrainian mustard is more like honey mustard with cayenne pepper tossed in for some punch. From experience it does not help to pull up beside other buggies and ask “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?” The best method used to locate mustard is to look at each and every condiment container for a picture of some type of meat with yellow sauce over it. Now this may seem like it would take a long time, but don’t worry, it will take you husband longer to find, well anything and you will have ample time.

Step 8: It is now time to decide on your side dish. There are two options here. The first option, French fries, would be for the more experienced. Be aware that Ukrainians eat more potatoes than the rest of know civilization, but nowhere and I repeat nowhere will you find a handy bag of Ore-Ida crinkle cuts. Now back to produce section. This is always good for your husband so please make sure the you have reached the other side of the market so that you have to walk all the way back to the produce section. Once there you will locate potatoes based on the amount of dirt. The dirtier the vegetable, the more likely it will be a potato. When no one is looking have your child spit on a few of them just to check. You wouldn’t want to accidentally take home a bag of beets. Now option two, potato chips. Where Ukraine fails in the frozen fry department they more than make up for the chips department. Do not waste your time looking for potato flavored chips, they do not exist. People in Ukraine group potato flavored chips with such legends as Big Foot, Loch Ness Monster, and timely court dates. No, your better option here is to purchase one of the following popular flavors: bacon, mushroom & cheese, crab, paprika, or chicken. I do not suggest chicken, that would be two meats at your meal and that us just plain snobby.

Step 9: Approaching the cashier. Now that you have all the items assembled you will want to check them out. She will find at least one item that has no sticker. There are no price checks in Ukraine, the cashier gets up, leaves and goes to locate the price herself. She then returns and squishes your bread. Pack all your treasure in the bags you brought with you, trek 3 miles back to the apartment and get prepared to cook.

Step 10: You will only be able to cook one hamburger at a time. There are no skillets in Ukraine that are larger than salad dishes. Therefore allot at least 2 hours to cook 3 burgers.

Step 11: Preparing the dressings. You will first need to take the onions and potatoes to the bath tub to get them clean. The sink will not work. It will only hold at most 2 potatoes. The tub works much better. Just be sure that you carry a spoon with you to help poke the mud from the produce down the drain.

Step 12: Slicing the dressings. Now that things are washed, you will need to slice them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, oh, ha, ha, ha, he, he, he , that was a good one, slice them, like you have a knife that will cut butter. Slice them, what a joke. No actually be prepared to force a thin piece of metal through the produce and catch it before it hits the floor.

· For onions and potatoes the technique is identical. If you and your husband both push down together it will only take about 2 hours to cut up one onion and 5 potatoes.

· Peeling the tomato. Ha, ha, ha another good one. If you want to remove the skin from a tomato, and you do, you will have to plop it down into some boiling water. It will only take about 30 minutes for the stove eye to get hot enough to cause the water to boil. A few seconds and the tomato’s skin will pop right off. Then you can squish it to bits using your knife and you don’t need your husband for this one.

Step 14: You should have started heating a pot with sunflower oil oh, about 2 weeks ago. It will take that long for the oil to warm up a bit. When you are putting the fries into the oil have no fear of getting burned. Actually the oil is warm and a great hand softener. After about 2 seconds a miracle happens and the oil gets too hot. Using a bath towel remove the pot from the heat. After 2 seconds the oil is room temperature and place it back on the eye. This cycle will occur about 300 times over the next 2 hours and then your fries are done.

Step 15: Assemble the burgers on one plate, the fries and ketchup on another, and pour your coke into your coffee cup. Take everything to the table and enjoy the hugs and kisses you will get for being the best mom in Ukraine. After the burgers are inhaled, serve your desert. I suggest, Tums ala Roll, a cold bowl of Mylanta, or Immodium munches.

May this manual serve to remind you that you could have called a taxi, drove to Mikey Dee’s, bought 6 happy meals and been back before your water got hot for a cup of tea. But, you would have missed the time together and it is worth it. Next, we will explore the wonderful world of Thanksgiving Dinners. I am practicing my gobbling, Jon is saving spit to locate the sweet potatoes and Jerry is all a quiver at getting to search for the supplies for green bean casserole. Until next time, lots of love from our kitchen to yu’rs.

move over Ore-Ida.

Can you smell the love tonight?

Fried goodness!

Football—Ukrainian Style November 21, 2008

Yesterday was absolutely priceless and a total gift from God! I wouldn’t have taken anything for what we got to do with only a football. After lunch we loaded up, or should I say crammed in, and headed out to Vasilivik to see Jake. We had several hours to spend with him this afternoon and we were bouncing off the car doors just waiting to enjoy our time together. When we arrived school had just turned out. Everyday when we arrive we go to the deputy director’s office to just check in and say hello. She has really became a very good friend. She has a son Jon’s age and they love to play together. We stopped by her office, Jake came bounding in and Jerry suggested he go back to his room and get what else but his AMERICAN football. Off he ran and Jon asked if Anton (deputy director’s son) could meet us and everybody play football together. She called, Anton was thrilled and we took off. In Vasilivik they have a very organized sports program in the town for the children. This town really does so much for their children which probably explains why we see so very, very many families around. They have 2 soccer fields. One is for older kids and the other has a fence all around the field for the younger kids. There is playground equipment for the youngest and it is set up so that parents can stroll their babies around in the parking area. There is a gym set up for indoor soccer or basketball and they have ping-pong tables also. It is one of a very few towns with such a set up and the community really loves it. So we headed to the soccer field and arrived at the perfect time—no one else was there yet! Jerry, Jon, Jake, Anton and Sergey got out on the field and law me the testosterone started surging. Why is it girls that when a group of guys get together they have to get all manly and tough. You know what I am talking about. They start strutting, pooching out their chests (or what is left of them), spitting on the ground and making those deep grunting noises. Hey, Ukrainian boys are NO DIFFERENT. Jerry’s first lesson was “how to throw a football” and after getting hit in the face only one time I I opted out of the lesson and took up the camera. They were quite impressed with my ability to throw, but it seems that leather gloves can’t quite grip a football. Well obviously tossing around a football isn’t nearly exciting as playing a game. I mean heaven forbid that someone not get a chance to score or knock the mess out of one of their friends. So the boys talked Jerry and Sergey into playing against THEM. Jon and Jake know a lot about football so Jerry proceeded to TRY and teach some basic rules to Sergey and Anton. After about the first 5 seconds he lost them. I just laughed my icicles off listening to him trying to explain the wonderful world of football. I suggested from the sideline (that’s were all the good coaches are located) that they ran a few plays so that they could see how it worked. Jerry agreed because he had no other choice—I’m louder and so I get my way and the plays began. As I was yelling helpful hints from the sideline I began to feel as though I was being watched. I am not sure , but I think when we entered Ukraine we were secretly injected with a homing device. Everywhere we go people seem to just show up. I think there is a person watching us and calling contacts to let them know where the Americans are going. I turned around to realize that behind me were SEVERAL boys just standing and watching. Immediately they began trying to ask me questions. I called time out (I also serve as sideline referee which is some of my best work) and Jerry and the boys got all of the other boys to join in. OH ME, I have never laughed and cheered so loudly in my life. I bet all the people in the near by apartments were wondering what drunk had gotten in the soccer field. Oh, it was wonderful. Now keep in mind that these boys have grown up only seeing soccer. They play and love soccer like we love football. Jerry was trying to teach the concepts of football to a group of boys that had never even watched it before! They were trying to bounce the football off their heads and knees like you would a soccer ball. Oh, then it came time to run a few plays. As the “game” went on it just got better and better. I thought I would list the top 5 rules of Ukrainian style football as they developed today…

Ahemmmm, Rule number 1:

There is no line of scrimmage in UA style football—all the players just stand in front of or behind a member of the other team. Should that player be half way down the field, well that’s where you go too. It looked like man to man defense in a basketball game. Oh, Jerry tried to get them to line up and they just looked at him like you big dummy, that’s too close to the other team.

Rule number 2:

There is no need for a center to snap the ball, for you silly girls that means there is no “down, set, hut”— See in UA style of football the tallest player gets the football, he then stands back behind everyone else and proceeds to yell “1…2…3…GO” and everybody runs screaming their own name while the player with the football decides who should get the pass based on who is screaming the loudest.

Rule number 3:

When the loudest player catches the football he runs only until he is approached by an opponent and then he is to always throw the ball to another team member and it is better if that player is ahead of you on the field. This happens until the end zone is reached. If it takes 7 forward passes, well hey it gets the job done! Now, please understand that Jerry tried several times to ingrain in them that you CANNOT have such types of forward passes if you are the receiver. Oh he had the football coach voice, he was making all the necessary hand motions, he used the correct terms but seeing as how they didn’t know what a forward pass was and it was impossible to explain who the receiver was, the kids just promptly ignored him and thought he was stupid for not thinking of such a wonderful idea himself. After the 5 millionth forward pass occurred I suggested that Jerry give up and join in because, well he was losing at this point. I mean how would it look if he LOST the game to a team that had never played before.

Rule number 4 and quite possibly the most painful rule:

Why intercept the football from the other team when you can knock it out of the sky with you feet, legs, or head. You would think that none of the kids had hands! When they had the chance to pick off a pass, they not once used their hands to do the job. That soccer is ingrained deeply in those boys. I wish I had the instant replays to show you. Everyone of those plays went like this… Oh, let me do it like those commentators at the high school football games do…

Well folks is a wonderful night for football. We appreciate Ford of Ukraine for putting us on the air tonight. The whistle is blown. The tallest player for the Zap Zebras has the football. He has yelled 1,2, 3, GO and the football is HURLED INTO THE AIR. It’s at the 10, the 15 our receiver Sasha Zachinckoq is set to make the catch. Oh, no here comes a member of the Ukrainian Gazelles. He is in front of the receiver, their coach, Coach Williams, is directing the player to “INTERCEPT THE PASS” and assistant coach Sergey is in full agreement as he directs the boy to “ZUK FLOSH PLOZ FLIBBERTY GIBBET” . Did you see that Billy Bob Harold Junior, that boy just got his shins higher than his head. Yes, indeed he did and the ball, here it comes, WHAM right into that shin, boy that ball nailed it perfectly! He stopped the pass folks, he stopped that pass. Do you think they will call interference Billy Bob Harold Junior? Naw. Now its time for a break and a word from tonight’s sponsor.

Ya’ll, no lie those kids could somehow miraculously contort their physical bodies in such a way as to get their legs higher than their heads and block the pass with the most delicate part of their shins. The other teammates would celebrate the player that slaughtered the ball with his shin, that player would drop to the ground writhing in pain due to the shin bruise he received because to their surprise the ends of a football are much harder than a soccer ball. The other teammates would get the ball, bounce it off of their heads to Jerry and await further instructions. Jerry explained and demonstrated how to catch the football, he did, he really did. It was met with looks of why in the world would you do that. So, the shin interceptions continued.

Rule number 5 and perhaps the funniest:

When the big, hairy American has the football and he is running anywhere—GET OUT OF HIS WAY! Have you ever watched the Tarzan movies where the elephant is stampeding and the people are just running everywhere to get away. Yeah, it was pretty much like that today. Oh, Jerry thought he was quite impressive today. Light on his feet, spinning, moving, barreling down field and why, well the other kids were standing in the back field fighting over who HAD to guard him. You could see it in their eyes— there was no way they were going to try and block that elephant going down the field. Compared to them Jerry looked like a steam engine rolling down the field. Oh, he was BAD today—Jerry was reliving the old glory days. I didn’t need a translator to understand what the boys were saying when Jerry had the ball. “You get him!” “No you get him!” “I’m not getting him, you get him!” “Why me, you get him, you’re the tallest!”

Oh, it was priceless. I have downloaded some pics on the picture website. It was wonderful. The boys played until it was too dark to see the football and parents started calling cell phones. They were chanting each other’s names. There were high fives and end zone dances. There was English mixed with Russian. There was laughter and a lot of showing off. It was marvelous. The day ended with everybody saying bye in each other’s language, it had to sound like the Day of Pentacost. Everyone was wanting to know when they could get back together. So the day is set for Saturday. I feel like we will have an even bigger audience and roster of players and I can’t wait. Sergey and Jerry are both going to soak in hot tubs until then to be able to walk. The boys are bringing their shin guards. Jon is begging to get to tackle anybody and Jake wants to make sure we bring some Chicken McNuggets when we come because he gets hungry being the tallest. It was so wonderful to see the friendships growing. I have said and will always say that one of the most wonderful things about heaven will be never having to say goodbye. It was hard to leave today. Jon had made some new friends; they have even given him a Ukrainian buddy name—Zhonny. They all left waving and smiling and I imagine that there will be some interesting discussion at those boys’ dinner tables tonight! Could God be opening the door for Jerry go come back and do an American football camp like he and his youth have been doing in Corinth during the summer—I hope so, no I pray so. Jon said, “Mama I think God is trying to show these people who He is. He is doing something big here.” You know… I agree.